5 things to do when helping your friend write a eulogy

written by Farah Beaini

As a writer and poet, friends often ask me to help them write eulogies for people they have lost. 

Often, they are stuck on what to write. Some want to write touching tributes about people they deeply love. Others are struggling to find any good things to say about the person, as they are still coming to terms with unresolved trauma or hurt, carried by those left behind. 

Regardless of the underlying situation, here are 5 things I’ve found crucial to helping my friends write these eulogies:

1. Leave your shoes at the door 

No two people journey life the same way. We each have our own values, unique experiences, perspectives and beliefs that shape our behaviours and responses. 

It is very tempting to impose our values and beliefs onto others - how they should deal with their grief or remember their person. What I have found helpful is to ask myself: 

• What has my grieving friend or loved one actually given me permission to do? 

• Are they asking for my beliefs, or for my help in crafting their eulogy? 

By framing it this way, I can step into their shoes and let them guide my understanding of what the person meant to them, why the hurt (if any) exists, and why it’s important to them to write the eulogy.  

By also asking myself:

• What am I comfortable contributing to? 

I can set clear expectations on what role I am playing in the process, which helps reduce any chance of misunderstanding or angst. 

As an example, coming from a fatalistic Middle Eastern culture, questioning death or speaking ill of the dead are big taboos. My conditioned reaction is to balk at any words that betray non-acceptance of death, or anger or blame towards the person. 

To overcome these instincts, I often choose to play the role of confidante – that one person they can talk to without judgement, that sits with them as they wrestle with what they want to say. This helps me distance myself emotionally from what they ultimately decide to write. It also creates a safe space for them to better understand their own hurt, feel heard, and organically find soft(er) words that are authentic and truthful to their relationship with the deceased. 

 2. Let their grief sit near the fireplace

Grief and grieving are highly individual, messy, complicated and non-linear processes. 

Your friend is reaching out to you in one of the most vulnerable moments in their life, and the last thing you want to do is make your friend feel alone in their grieving.

You can create that safe, warm space for your friend’s grief by:  

• Acknowledging the grief exists 

• Mirroring their language - e.g. if they speak about the person in the present tense

• Removing any stigma around grief, by normalising their emotional responses and giving permission to their own expression of grieving (silent or loud)

• Being the scribe that faithfully captures their words, thoughts and feelings 

• Not rushing the process – sit with them in their pain, and trust that their words will come in their own time.

3. Lighten the load with ‘liberating’ words

Commemorating loved ones

Where the relationship was a positive one, you can help your friend craft their eulogy by asking questions like: 

• What is something they always say?

• How have they made you feel?

• What would make them belly laugh?

• What is the first memory that comes when you think about them? What is it that you love about that memory? 

• What is the one thing that you wish strangers could know about them?

• How would that person want to be remembered? 

This will invariably bring to the surface words that will matter and stories that will be meaningful for them to share.  

Addressing trauma / hurt

For relationships with deep, unresolved wounds or resentments, a different approach is required. 

For instance, some of my friends were grieving the loss of people (including children) to suicide, or where the deceased’s actions caused great harm to them and others. 

It became important to find a way to balance the desire of my friends to write a tribute while being truthful to the impacts of this harm. 

To cross that bridge, we used liberating words like:

“At their best, they were a loving friend …”

“I choose to remember you as a …”

“I know I won’t always feel this way, but right now, I am feeling ...”

For addictions or illnesses, we used the eulogy as an opportunity to talk about the social changes we wanted to see in how the issue was treated: 

• What was it that we wished society could better do or understand? 

• What did we want others to know about supporting loved ones going through the same process? 

• What could have made a difference?

For a friend whose partner had increasingly become abusive as they struggled with an addiction, this is where we landed: 

“This journey has shown me the importance of many things, the way we approach mental health, society’s definition of strength and holding back your emotions, particularly if you are male, and what strength there is in vulnerability. I wish ________ could have found his way through to talk about his vulnerabilities, it may have meant a different story for us.”

4. Remember these aren’t the final words

Remind your friend that the eulogy doesn’t have to be their final words or actions. That our relationships can continue long after our last breath. 

They can reflect on/commemorate the person in many ways, when they are ready, and for as long as they want to. 

A friend of mine asked me to write a poem on the first anniversary of her sister’s passing, which she then shared with her family. For her, this was the right time to commemorate her sister as it was too painful to reflect and recollect before then. 

5. Look after yourself

Seeing a distraught friend suffer can be really hard. It might also bring up unexpected emotions in you.

Remember to look after yourself throughout this process too, only shoulder what you can carry, and seek professional help if you need to. 

I will leave you with these words, which have helped re-centre me in my own grief, and when faced by the grief of others: 

“Don’t lose what you have to what you have lost” - Lucy C Hone, author of Resilient Grieving, bereaved mother 

About Farah Beaini:

Farah Beaini is a spoken word artist, founder and lead facilitator of Moving Conversations, a much needed home for courageous community conversations on difficult issues affecting our health and wellbeing, such as: finding purpose, journeying with anxiety, practicing self-compassion, and grief and grieving. Past conversations are available via the Moving Conversations Podcast, with guest appearances from poets, singers and mental health experts. We pay our respects to the Wurundjeri people, whose lands we gathered on to record these conversations, and thank the Centre for Building Better Community for supporting season one of the conversation series.